you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
