office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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