Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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