I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
