I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize