Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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