I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
