Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
