hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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