Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
