pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
