...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
