I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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