just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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