I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
