Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
