My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
