Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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