what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
