i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
