guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
