She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize