So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
