Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
