The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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