her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize