How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
