white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
