piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
cat food counts as protein by the way
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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