ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
