I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
