i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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