Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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