Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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