I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
