I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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