I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize