I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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