Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
