I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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