I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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