She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
