Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize