i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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