I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Vodka?
Forever.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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