I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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