dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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