I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
