I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
