thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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