all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
