I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
