He disabled his match.com account in front of me
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
