totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
