What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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