need another drink. this is the easiest way
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize