I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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