Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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