You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Fuck me I smell like cheese
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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