Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need to calm my uterus...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
