sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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