the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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