I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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