you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
